Q. I feel like a failure
every time I log onto Facebook and see the pictures of my friends’ latest vacations,
new cars, happy smiling kids, or the endless posts about their job promotions,
good grades their kids made, or that their kid made the honor roll…again, or
some other wonderful thing that has happened in their lives. I hate feeling
inadequate and jealous. How do I stop feeling this way and start feeling better
about myself and my life?
A. Facebook has been a terrific and accommodating tool in
reconnecting old friends, helping long distance family and friends stay connected,
promoting businesses, and even helping some land jobs. But it has also served as
an instrument in which some measure and compare their self-worth against an unreliable
standard; it doesn’t provide the all-inclusive truth about a person’s life. And
for some, Facebook has become a constant competition to acquire the most
“friends.”
Having said that, realize that
Facebook is not an authentic depiction of anyone’s life. Rather, it provides
“snapshots” of moments in time. After all, we all know how to "smile for the camera," don't we?----even if we are quite miserable at that moment! I once heard it said “Life isn't about having
amazing experiences; it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on
Facebook.” Words of wisdom!
Recognize that most people do not
chronicle their struggles on Facebook. Sure, there are those who overshare and post things that make us cringe and question their judgment, or
even privately (or publicly!) scorn them for posting something that is
TMI or considered a societal taboo. But….let’s
face it, the majority are not posting about their unfulfilling marriage, or how
they were passed over for a job promotion, or how they maxed out their credit
card, or that their home is in danger of being foreclosed, or how Little Johnny
struggles with homework every night, or that Little Sally says ‘I hate you’ all
the time, or that they really don’t enjoy being parents at all. No, those
revelations are usually reserved for the closest of confidantes…or sometimes
only within the safe confines of a therapist’s office. And then there are those who create what are called personas, which means that they present themselves to the world as they would like to be seen by others--- a fallacious depiction designed to conceal the truth.
Realize also that this really isn’t
a new problem. It’s only new in regards to the manner in which it’s being carried
out. Long before Facebook, people often compared themselves and their families
to sitcoms, such as Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch. When problems arose
on those shows, they were usually solved within 30 minutes. And nobody’s family
looked anything like those families in the sitcoms! Even then, it was an
unrealistic standard. I mean…really…who
cleans their house in a dress and heels?! The bottom line is that the majority
of us don’t trust perfect.
So, what to do about it? Well, for
one, you could deactivate or completely delete your Facebook account, but that
might not be the best option if it also helps you stay connected with long
distance family/friends, promote your business, or any other benefits you might
be getting from having an account. For some, Facebook is an inane activity and a
major time-waster; time that could be better spent doing more productive activities.
However, only you can make that call by discerning if you get any real value
from Facebook. But, at the same time, understand that you can’t stop people
from posting the good things that happen in their lives…even if they are
half-truths…or complete lies. So, as
Viktor Frankl once said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we
are challenged to change ourselves.” In this instance, you will need to change
the way you think about Facebook, yourself, and about the people who are
posting things that stir up envy and inadequacy within you, and about what it
represents.
Look within and be honest with
yourself. Remember that no one can “make” you feel any certain way. If you’re
experiencing feelings of jealousy, bitterness, or inadequateness, ask yourself
why. Do you have a competitive nature and frequently measure your happiness, your kids, your house, your job----your life--- against others? Or are the people you associate with competitive? {Oftentimes, the most bragging and/or comparing occurs between very competitive people.} Or maybe you have admitted to yourself that you could be a better employee, such as being a good
steward of your time while on the job (.e.g. staying off Facebook during
working hours!)? Or maybe you don’t spend enough “quality time” with your spouse or kids? Or
maybe your kids could stand to better apply themselves in school? In these instances,
Facebook may serve as an inspiration in helping you to see where changes are
needed and in motivating you to make those positive changes in your life;
changes that could really make a difference and lead you to the life you long
for. If it's competitiveness---well, that's another thing! Maybe it’s none of those things.
Maybe you are doing the best you possibly can….and, perhaps, it’s just the
disquieting realization that life really isn’t fair and we have to deal with
the cards we are dealt.
What you don’t want Facebook to do
is fill you with self-flagellation or persuade you into living beyond your means and doing things that could land you in financial ruin. I am reminded
of the person who told me she maxed out her credit card trying to live the life
she thought everyone else was living and took a vacation that was not in her
budget. All for the sake of bragging about it to others and posting pictures on
Facebook! Now when she sees pictures of
that vacation, she’s not filled with warm and fuzzy feelings of a wonderful and
needed vacation. Instead, she remembers
it as a desperate attempt at trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Learn to appreciate and be happy
with the things you presently have in your life. Make a list of all your
blessings---big, small, and in between. I will bet you will be surprised at just how
long your list will be! Think about all the people who have made a difference
in your life. It could be a teacher, a coach, a friend, a favorite aunt or
uncle, a boss, or a coworker. And, if it
stirs you, do something special for the people you hold dear in your life. It
could be as simple as baking them a batch of cookies or dropping them a
thoughtful card via “snail mail” just to let them know you’re thinking about
them and appreciate having them in your life. After all, who doesn’t like
getting a nice surprise in the mail? And just about all of us enjoy being
appreciated.
Lastly, think back to your
childhood. What kinds of things made you smile and feel happy and content with
your life? Maybe it was flying a kite? Maybe it was lying on a blanket on the
ground and seeing the shapes of animals or people in the clouds? Maybe it was
gazing at the stars in the sky? Maybe it was watching the sun set in the
evening or rise in the morning? Maybe it was a bike ride with your pals? Or a
picnic in the park? Or maybe it was getting your favorite flavor snowball at
the snowball stand in the summer? Sometimes the simple things in life that we
enjoyed as children can still bring us joy as adults.
Finally, strive for authenticity
and humility when relating to others. I am convinced that is what has led to
Oprah Winfrey’s tremendous success and popularity. She didn’t present herself
in the best possible light. She, instead, let us see her flaws and
insecurities. She was not perfect. She was relatable! And that’s what truly
draws people to you.
If in the end you decide to keep
your Facebook account open, make a point of using it for the very purpose that
you deemed worthy. Maybe you’re keeping
it open so that you can remain connected to long distance family and friends.
If that’s the case, use it for that function and try not to linger over
pictures or posts for any length of time and overthink them. Try not to live
vicariously through others’ experiences. And resist the urge to “track” certain
people and sneak a peek into their lives. In short, don't allow Facebook to elicit solicitousness about what you believe others are doing with their lives---and how you believe yourself to fall short. Instead, get out there and spend tangible
time with the people in your life who mean the most to you and do the things
that bring you joy. It might even behoove you to set a weekly limit of how much
time you will allow yourself to spend on Facebook.
Surely you’ll be so busy living a rewarding
life that you won’t have time to post about it on Facebook, or even be bothered
by what everyone else is doing or what you think you might be missing out on.
No….you’re too busy enjoying a picnic in the park, looking at the stars in the
sky, reigniting the spark in your marriage, nurturing friendships in person, spending
quality time with your kids, or trying to get to the snowball stand before it
closes. You get the idea. The possibilities are endless.
