Homework Hassles

                                                                            

Q.           Homework time is such a battle in our home. How can I get my child to focus while doing homework?

A.           While school teaches children many things, learning how to focus does not seem to be one of them in many academic settings.  Children are told to sit still and to pay attention but are usually not told how to accomplish these tasks.  Oftentimes this teaching moment must begin at home.

Set the stage by building structure and routine into your home. Help your child build healthy habits by having homework begin at a regular time. Then, follow suit with a dinner time, and then bed time rituals to help transition to bed time. This will require adequate time management but also the ability to be flexible when necessary.  Please also realize that as your child grows and matures, you will need to restructure your home accordingly.  Rules and standards that were set for a 6 year old are understandably not appropriate for a 10 year old. 

Organization and time management are key components in helping your child become academically successful. Help your child get organized by keeping school supplies in one place, and by making a folder for each subject. Make the first file as an archetype and then, with your guidance, empower your child by letting him/her make the remaining folders.  Make this a fun activity by buying colorful folders and labels.

At the start, as parents, it is important to model the behavior you want encouraged in your child. I bold this because it is very important. Therefore, if you want your child to be organized, prepared, and able to focus on one activity at a time, you must model this behavior and the home environment must reflect these attributes. Realistically speaking, however, the busyness of our lives does not always permit the luxury of doing one activity at a time; we have become a society of multitaskers! And rightly so! We have a lot to do in a finite amount of time. Conversely, successful multitasking requires concentration while being able to effectively complete each task--- rather than a lot of tasks going on but very few being completed. However, children’s minds are developing, and having too many tasks going on at once can be quite distracting---even for many adults.

Firstly, reduce distractions in the area in which your child does his/her homework. This means removing the cell phone, electronic games, toys, etc. from his/her view. Turn off the television. Clear off the desk --or kitchen table if that is where your child does his/her homework. Make sure the only books that are present are the ones that are relevant to the subject being studied. For example, if math is the current assignment, make sure there are no English, Social Studies, Science, etc. books also on the table. Make sure everything is at your child’s ready reference: sharpened pencils, ink pens, pencil sharpener, extra sheets of paper, ruler, erasers, dictionary, thesaurus, etc., so that your child is not further distracted by having to get up to retrieve the necessary supplies to complete the assignment.

Next, sit with your child during homework time. I realize there are lots of working moms and dads out there who have to start dinner while their child is doing homework in order to have the meal on the table at a decent hour; however, it’s important that you model the ability to focus on one thing at a time. You won’t always have to do this but initially it is very important.

While sitting with your child, read each question aloud. After some time, your child can read the questions aloud him/herself. If your child loses focus during the assignment, simply point back to or gently tap the page.  Also, see if calming music can help your child block out distractions while studying, especially if there is a lot of activity going on outside (e.g. lawnmowers, sounds of children playing, etc.).  Go to http://www.songza.com and select "Studying" and you'll see a selection of music without lyrics that you can choose from.  You will have to observe your child and learn what works best for him/her.

Another important factor is to set a timer for your child’s work sessions. Set a timer for a short time—say two to five minutes. Gradually increase the time until he/she can concentrate for 20 minutes. Take one-minute breaks between timings. You may find over time that your child needs a longer break between assignments. These breaks, however, are probably best spent not doing activities that are mentally stimulating.  

Of course you will have to observe your child and see what works best for him/her. Some children do better tackling homework assignments the minute they walk in the door after school. Some children need a break with a snack in order to recharge their batteries and take on the challenges of homework. Note what works best for your child.

 If you like, you can make a chart of your child’s daily activities, which includes homework. When he/she gets started on an activity without having to be told to do so or finishes it before the timer goes off, he/she gains a sticker. At the end of the week, have him/her turn in their stickers for a small prize (e.g. a trip to the zoo or park, a movie, a new game, etc.). Find what motivates your child. We are all motivated by something!

             Lastly, if structure and routine were not the standard in your home previously, expect resistance.  Don’t give up! Be consistent and follow through. Praise the effort rather than just the outcome.

 

Hopefully these suggestions will be the first steps in teaching your child to focus, and by making homework time less stressful for all involved.
 

 

Does reading some Facebook profiles cause you to feel bad about yourself?

                                                                           

Q. I feel like a failure every time I log onto Facebook and see the pictures of my friends’ latest vacations, new cars, happy smiling kids, or the endless posts about their job promotions, good grades their kids made, or that their kid made the honor roll…again, or some other wonderful thing that has happened in their lives. I hate feeling inadequate and jealous. How do I stop feeling this way and start feeling better about myself and my life?

A. Facebook has been a terrific and accommodating tool in reconnecting old friends, helping long distance family and friends stay connected, promoting businesses, and even helping some land jobs. But it has also served as an instrument in which some measure and compare their self-worth against an unreliable standard; it doesn’t provide the all-inclusive truth about a person’s life. And for some, Facebook has become a constant competition to acquire the most “friends.” 

Having said that, realize that Facebook is not an authentic depiction of anyone’s life. Rather, it provides “snapshots” of moments in time. After all, we all know how to "smile for the camera," don't we?----even if we are quite miserable at that moment!  I once heard it said “Life isn't about having amazing experiences; it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.” Words of wisdom!

Recognize that most people do not chronicle their struggles on Facebook. Sure, there are those who overshare and post things that make us cringe and question their judgment, or even privately (or publicly!) scorn them for posting something that is TMI or considered a societal taboo.  But….let’s face it, the majority are not posting about their unfulfilling marriage, or how they were passed over for a job promotion, or how they maxed out their credit card, or that their home is in danger of being foreclosed, or how Little Johnny struggles with homework every night, or that Little Sally says ‘I hate you’ all the time, or that they really don’t enjoy being parents at all. No, those revelations are usually reserved for the closest of confidantes…or sometimes only within the safe confines of a therapist’s office.  And then there are those who create what are called personas, which means that they present themselves to the world as they would like to be seen by others--- a fallacious depiction designed to conceal the truth. 

Realize also that this really isn’t a new problem. It’s only new in regards to the manner in which it’s being carried out. Long before Facebook, people often compared themselves and their families to sitcoms, such as Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch. When problems arose on those shows, they were usually solved within 30 minutes. And nobody’s family looked anything like those families in the sitcoms! Even then, it was an unrealistic standard.  I mean…really…who cleans their house in a dress and heels?! The bottom line is that the majority of us don’t trust perfect.

So, what to do about it? Well, for one, you could deactivate or completely delete your Facebook account, but that might not be the best option if it also helps you stay connected with long distance family/friends, promote your business, or any other benefits you might be getting from having an account. For some, Facebook is an inane activity and a major time-waster; time that could be better spent doing more productive activities. However, only you can make that call by discerning if you get any real value from Facebook. But, at the same time, understand that you can’t stop people from posting the good things that happen in their lives…even if they are half-truths…or complete lies.  So, as Viktor Frankl once said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” In this instance, you will need to change the way you think about Facebook, yourself, and about the people who are posting things that stir up envy and inadequacy within you, and about what it represents.

              Look within and be honest with yourself. Remember that no one can “make” you feel any certain way. If you’re experiencing feelings of jealousy, bitterness, or inadequateness, ask yourself why. Do you have a competitive nature and frequently measure your happiness, your kids, your house, your job----your life--- against others? Or are the people you associate with competitive? {Oftentimes, the most bragging and/or comparing occurs between very competitive people.}  Or maybe you have admitted to yourself that you could be a better employee, such as being a good steward of your time while on the job (.e.g. staying off Facebook during working hours!)? Or  maybe you don’t spend enough “quality time” with your spouse or kids? Or maybe your kids could stand to better apply themselves in school? In these instances, Facebook may serve as an inspiration in helping you to see where changes are needed and in motivating you to make those positive changes in your life; changes that could really make a difference and lead you to the life you long for.  If it's competitiveness---well, that's another thing! Maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe you are doing the best you possibly can….and, perhaps, it’s just the disquieting realization that life really isn’t fair and we have to deal with the cards we are dealt.  

What you don’t want Facebook to do is fill you with self-flagellation or persuade you into living beyond your means and doing things that could land you in financial ruin. I am reminded of the person who told me she maxed out her credit card trying to live the life she thought everyone else was living and took a vacation that was not in her budget. All for the sake of bragging about it to others and posting pictures on Facebook!  Now when she sees pictures of that vacation, she’s not filled with warm and fuzzy feelings of a wonderful and needed vacation.  Instead, she remembers it as a desperate attempt at trying to keep up with the Joneses. 

Learn to appreciate and be happy with the things you presently have in your life. Make a list of all your blessings---big, small, and in between.  I will bet you will be surprised at just how long your list will be! Think about all the people who have made a difference in your life. It could be a teacher, a coach, a friend, a favorite aunt or uncle, a boss, or a coworker.  And, if it stirs you, do something special for the people you hold dear in your life. It could be as simple as baking them a batch of cookies or dropping them a thoughtful card via “snail mail” just to let them know you’re thinking about them and appreciate having them in your life. After all, who doesn’t like getting a nice surprise in the mail? And just about all of us enjoy being appreciated.

Lastly, think back to your childhood. What kinds of things made you smile and feel happy and content with your life? Maybe it was flying a kite? Maybe it was lying on a blanket on the ground and seeing the shapes of animals or people in the clouds? Maybe it was gazing at the stars in the sky? Maybe it was watching the sun set in the evening or rise in the morning? Maybe it was a bike ride with your pals? Or a picnic in the park? Or maybe it was getting your favorite flavor snowball at the snowball stand in the summer? Sometimes the simple things in life that we enjoyed as children can still bring us joy as adults.

Finally, strive for authenticity and humility when relating to others. I am convinced that is what has led to Oprah Winfrey’s tremendous success and popularity. She didn’t present herself in the best possible light. She, instead, let us see her flaws and insecurities. She was not perfect. She was relatable! And that’s what truly draws people to you.

If in the end you decide to keep your Facebook account open, make a point of using it for the very purpose that you deemed worthy.  Maybe you’re keeping it open so that you can remain connected to long distance family and friends. If that’s the case, use it for that function and try not to linger over pictures or posts for any length of time and overthink them. Try not to live vicariously through others’ experiences. And resist the urge to “track” certain people and sneak a peek into their lives. In short, don't allow Facebook to elicit solicitousness about what you believe others are doing with their lives---and how you believe yourself to fall short.  Instead, get out there and spend tangible time with the people in your life who mean the most to you and do the things that bring you joy. It might even behoove you to set a weekly limit of how much time you will allow yourself to spend on Facebook.

Surely you’ll be so busy living a rewarding life that you won’t have time to post about it on Facebook, or even be bothered by what everyone else is doing or what you think you might be missing out on. No….you’re too busy enjoying a picnic in the park, looking at the stars in the sky, reigniting the spark in your marriage, nurturing friendships in person, spending quality time with your kids, or trying to get to the snowball stand before it closes. You get the idea. The possibilities are endless.